Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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