The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
