guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
