So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
