im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
