Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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