It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
