found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
