I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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