Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
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I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
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She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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