We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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