just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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