Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
