I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
