So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
you are never too drunk for berry picking
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
