just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
