Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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