I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My vagina just clenched in fear
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
