Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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