Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
