non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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