Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
