my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
