I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
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Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
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Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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