He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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