I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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