I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
