you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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