she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
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The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
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Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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