this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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