I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
