...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
