last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
