Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
