so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
