wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
