I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
