and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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