Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
