Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
