I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
