i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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