You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Green mimosas i think yes
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
