i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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