so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
