Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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