I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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