captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
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eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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