college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
