i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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