If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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