Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
well you can't waste a boner
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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