when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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