she looked like the bat from fern gully.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
