so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
