my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
