It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
